I want to leave.

I am

So happy with the friends i have right now. I had the best time with Amy and Ellie the other day and I would really like to hang out with just them. In a few weeks i have to go to hospital and the thought of that really scares me.

There are so many things I wish I could change and there are so many things I wish I hadn't done.I spend the majority of my time doing nothing and I like it that way.I'm starting to realise a lot of things that I wish I hadn't.No one is who they pretend to be.I don't want to meet anymore people who keep putting on this act of who they want to be, I would like to meet real people with depth.I don't know who I am and I don't really want to.I care to much about what people think and things get to me very easily but you won't see that.I don't know where things are headed and I think it's better that way.I lay in bed for hours on end thinking about things that are never going to happen.I'm so lost and defintaely not content with the way things are going. I think I want something then once I have it I realise I didin't really want it at all. I know there are things that I need to sort out but I just don't know what they are. The only thing that I am 100% sure of is that I need a change and a very big one at that.I wish I had something or someone who meant the world to me. Nothing seems to hold any significance in my life anymore. I started not to care about the little things and that was good but now it has just blown out of proportion and I just couldn't care less about anything or anyone.I'm worthless and boring and I have no cares. I know that there is something i need to find I jsut don't know what it is.Iwant time to myself.Iwant a job. Iwant a boyfriend yet the thought of commitment and relationships makes me ill. I want to move away from this place. I want new people and I want old ones back. Iwant some thing to be the way they were, people too. I want to get my tattoo.I want school to be over already. Iwant independence. I want to lose weight. I want, Iwant, Iwant is the only thing I seem to think these days. I'm self fish and I need to change. I'm constantly upset and this has only come about since early this year. One stupid stupid mistake has affected me more then anything in a long time.

Nothing

has really been on my mind lately except that the more I go out and see people the more I want to stay home and start getting my act together.People are so rude and treat others so badly. I have heard the phrase" let's go find some bitches/fuck bitches" more then I ever have before and I'm sick of it. Boys don't seem to understand that things are different for girls. Last night was just a repeat performance of someone cheating on their partner, that is also something I'm sick of.

A whole lot of nothing

This blog isn't about anything in particular, just a few things that are on my mind.

Recently i have seemed to turn into a hermit and i like things this way, nothing can go wrong, no mistakes can be made,no one to annoy me, therefore i have no regrets later on. All i like to do these days is lay in my bed and watch movies with pointless story lines and think about places i would like to go or people i would like to meet.

I'm sick to death of being lonely it would be rather nice to have someone care about me as much as i care about them. It bugs me to see someone in a relationship with a lovely person who just ends up getting hurt because their partner cannot be faithful. i don't see what's so hard about remaining loyal to someone who supposedly holds your heart.

I'm tired of everyone and this bullshit about judging everyone on the decisions that they make. Who are you to say what's right and wrong and where does the idea of what's right and wrong even come from?

Others can't seem to let go of things that had nothing to do with them in the first place.

So many people put on this act that makes it seem like they actually give a shit about you and what you have to say . I, myself can not fake this. If i don't give a shit about you then that is that and i cant change it. Personally i cannot stand others who are far to friendly and i will not act this way, ever. The smallest of things will drive me crazy, even the way people say something or how they change around another.

As time goes on i think more and more about how i would like to move away and start again. To a place where no one knows my name or anything about me in fact. Start again somewhere nice just me, living a nice little rundown house on the corner of a quiet street. A place without big shopping centers just a small corner shop where you go to get the bread and milk every couple of days. It would be so nice.

These days i seem to be so lost. I've lost any sight of the person i used to be and many of the things i used to believe in. I don't know who i am. I have many things i wish would come but i just can't see them coming any time soon or ever in fact. I wish i had enough willpower to work towards where i want to be in a few years time but my attitude towards everything doesn't make it any easier.

I'm just babbling on about nothing now.

Just another day

When you cross my mind.
I am holding on to you for as long as i can, afraid to let go even the slightest bit just in case you are gone forever, not only from my sight but my mind.
It feels like it has been so long since i have heard your voice. I still have memories, they seem to be getting fainter and fainter as the days go by and that scares me.
Losing you all together would be equivalent to losing a big part of myself.
You were there one day and gone the next, so quickly I lost my best friend.
I won't let go, not yet anyway.