I do not understand why

lately everyone feels the need to have a significant other and that they can't be happy without one, maybe cause I havent experienced it but it still seems a little pointless to be spending your time unhappy, waiting for someone to come a long and "sweep you off your feet" when really you have no idea how long that could take, weeks, months, years even. All that time wasted.

It is starting to feel like

it really isn't worth it with you, what a shame.

Want

Margot Sanders

http://www.microcapitalisttoday.com/margotsanders/

Lonely hands

This time next year

I will be here, with you.



so much planned, we will see what happens.

How foolish of me

to think that you were going to be any different.

Realising

you are left with almost noone and have noone to blame but yourself is not a good feeling.

Been thinking

Our friendship is based on fun, I like it that way but sometimes it doesn't really feel like a friendship at all. I feel like, just like me you are kind of scared to let me in.

We always end up having fun no matter what we are doing or where we are. It was really good to see you the past weekend and I'm glad that you are becoming a part of my life again, I have missed you.

Wow our friendship had almost disintegrated, I rarely see you and when I do it's not like it was before, this time I know its not my fault.

I think you are the nicest dude, I never feel like your judging me and its good to catch up when we do.

There is so much mystery behind you, i want to know who you really are.

I rarely see you anymore and I don't like it. Even though you are mean to me I still enjoy your company.

You will end up losing everyone if you keep going the way you are, try and appreciate the small things people do for you rather then what you do for them.

I hadn't seen you in such a long time and it really was so good to see you again. Things still felt the same for me...

You think your so cute and indie, fuck off.

I miss you a lot, we had a real friendship its a shame it all had to end.

Your actually a nice girl and I feel sorry for you, the way everyone teases you.

You always act so nice but for some reason it all seems really fake to me, I could be wrong.

What's it like to feel safe?

Just never good enough...

...

It's sad when people you know become people you knew, when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now you can barely even look at them.
It's sad how times change.

It seems that

just like everyone else I have this fear of becoming close with people. Feel like I have really stuffed things up Im sorry.

I am scared

scared that I will end up with nothing and noone.

I hate

that I grow bored of everything so quickly, espcially people. All I ever want is change. This whole thing with you has kind of ticked me off a little bit but I wont ever mention it to you. I feel like I put in so much effort and you just kind of shrug it off and that everything is almost like a competition with you. I'm sick of always being second best, I've never felt anything but. wah wah wah

I really miss

you and the bond that we had, that I ruined. I miss spending all my time with you and everything we used to do. We did different things, explored nice places, we did nice things. Now all my life consists of more then ever is drunken nights and people who i know will end up leaving me in the long run. I'm sorry and I hope things are better for you now, there is noone to blame except for myself.

I have not posted in a while..

My life honestly could not get any better. I have good people and we have good times.This is what's been happening in the past few months

Rejuvenated

Ever since the operation i have felt so rejuvenated rather then feeling like i want to sleep all the time.I feel like its time for a fresh start, like a horrible chapter has closed and fresh one is about to open.It feels like im not taking everything for granted anymore and im enjoying the small things. I'm ready to let go of all my pasts mistakes and the people that are no longer in my life and just be happy with what i have.

It seems

That I am nothing more then a confused being who feels as though they are trapped underneath the skin of someone else, someone far from who they really are.
There are things I need and many things I want. I am always longing for something and I never really know what that is, whether it is money or affection or maybe even just to part from everyone and give independence a try. This longing feels like it will be sticking around for a while, maybe even until my time is up. All I seem to think about is wrong doings and while thinking about this there is a voice in the back of my mind telling me that this isn't who I am and the things I am doing are things I would not have contemplated two years ago. All I seem to hold on to is regret and lose and I never seem to focus on the good that has happened. It worries me that I am so negative and I'm worried that peoples influences on me are part of the reason I'm finding it so hard to find out who I really am.

I miss 2008

and everything that it included. It was filled with drunken nights, best friends, adventures, loads of new people, fun at school, partys and everything I wanted. I had everything and i took it for granted. At the time I didn't realise how good I had it, until now when i look back and realise how much i actually miss it. 2008 was probably one of the best years of my life. This year is horrible I've basically lost all my best friends and feel so lonely and if anyone gets remotely close I end up pushing them away. I am a mess and right now i feel like im beyond repair. I'm never happy with the ways things are no matter how good something is.I dont feel like i can trust anyone and i dont feel like anyone knows the meaning of respect. Everyone has turned bitter, including myself.
I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into this mess i have created and now I can't find my way out.
I am so lost.

Family

I have realised that they are the only people I can trust. They are the ones who know me best and there is none of these bullshit fights they tell it how it is,they are there for me through thick and thin.They know when to give me space and when I want company If only things could be this way with everyone.

I want to leave.

I am

So happy with the friends i have right now. I had the best time with Amy and Ellie the other day and I would really like to hang out with just them. In a few weeks i have to go to hospital and the thought of that really scares me.

There are so many things I wish I could change and there are so many things I wish I hadn't done.I spend the majority of my time doing nothing and I like it that way.I'm starting to realise a lot of things that I wish I hadn't.No one is who they pretend to be.I don't want to meet anymore people who keep putting on this act of who they want to be, I would like to meet real people with depth.I don't know who I am and I don't really want to.I care to much about what people think and things get to me very easily but you won't see that.I don't know where things are headed and I think it's better that way.I lay in bed for hours on end thinking about things that are never going to happen.I'm so lost and defintaely not content with the way things are going. I think I want something then once I have it I realise I didin't really want it at all. I know there are things that I need to sort out but I just don't know what they are. The only thing that I am 100% sure of is that I need a change and a very big one at that.I wish I had something or someone who meant the world to me. Nothing seems to hold any significance in my life anymore. I started not to care about the little things and that was good but now it has just blown out of proportion and I just couldn't care less about anything or anyone.I'm worthless and boring and I have no cares. I know that there is something i need to find I jsut don't know what it is.Iwant time to myself.Iwant a job. Iwant a boyfriend yet the thought of commitment and relationships makes me ill. I want to move away from this place. I want new people and I want old ones back. Iwant some thing to be the way they were, people too. I want to get my tattoo.I want school to be over already. Iwant independence. I want to lose weight. I want, Iwant, Iwant is the only thing I seem to think these days. I'm self fish and I need to change. I'm constantly upset and this has only come about since early this year. One stupid stupid mistake has affected me more then anything in a long time.

Nothing

has really been on my mind lately except that the more I go out and see people the more I want to stay home and start getting my act together.People are so rude and treat others so badly. I have heard the phrase" let's go find some bitches/fuck bitches" more then I ever have before and I'm sick of it. Boys don't seem to understand that things are different for girls. Last night was just a repeat performance of someone cheating on their partner, that is also something I'm sick of.

A whole lot of nothing

This blog isn't about anything in particular, just a few things that are on my mind.

Recently i have seemed to turn into a hermit and i like things this way, nothing can go wrong, no mistakes can be made,no one to annoy me, therefore i have no regrets later on. All i like to do these days is lay in my bed and watch movies with pointless story lines and think about places i would like to go or people i would like to meet.

I'm sick to death of being lonely it would be rather nice to have someone care about me as much as i care about them. It bugs me to see someone in a relationship with a lovely person who just ends up getting hurt because their partner cannot be faithful. i don't see what's so hard about remaining loyal to someone who supposedly holds your heart.

I'm tired of everyone and this bullshit about judging everyone on the decisions that they make. Who are you to say what's right and wrong and where does the idea of what's right and wrong even come from?

Others can't seem to let go of things that had nothing to do with them in the first place.

So many people put on this act that makes it seem like they actually give a shit about you and what you have to say . I, myself can not fake this. If i don't give a shit about you then that is that and i cant change it. Personally i cannot stand others who are far to friendly and i will not act this way, ever. The smallest of things will drive me crazy, even the way people say something or how they change around another.

As time goes on i think more and more about how i would like to move away and start again. To a place where no one knows my name or anything about me in fact. Start again somewhere nice just me, living a nice little rundown house on the corner of a quiet street. A place without big shopping centers just a small corner shop where you go to get the bread and milk every couple of days. It would be so nice.

These days i seem to be so lost. I've lost any sight of the person i used to be and many of the things i used to believe in. I don't know who i am. I have many things i wish would come but i just can't see them coming any time soon or ever in fact. I wish i had enough willpower to work towards where i want to be in a few years time but my attitude towards everything doesn't make it any easier.

I'm just babbling on about nothing now.

Just another day

When you cross my mind.
I am holding on to you for as long as i can, afraid to let go even the slightest bit just in case you are gone forever, not only from my sight but my mind.
It feels like it has been so long since i have heard your voice. I still have memories, they seem to be getting fainter and fainter as the days go by and that scares me.
Losing you all together would be equivalent to losing a big part of myself.
You were there one day and gone the next, so quickly I lost my best friend.
I won't let go, not yet anyway.